A Promise I Won't Keep

Hi.  I'm Kaji.

I currently have a job that I love, I have people I care about, and I have a comfortable home.  I have a couple of cats and a fish, a lot of unfinished writing and art projects, and relationships too complicated to boil down in light conversations at parties. 

Not that I go to parties.  I'm terribly introverted and might suffer just one of those a year, if bribed financially and given professional incentive to stay.  I like dark, quiet places, a lack of small talk, and something to put my feet up on.  Everyday life tends to take a lot out of me.

That's mostly because of my mental illness.  Diagnosed with social anxiety with a sprinkling of entertaining hangers-on, I've apparently been working with a smaller toolkit than most people all of my life, though I didn't really know it until a few years ago, when I went to a few doctors about it.  It's one of the best things I've ever done, and I share the relief so many people feel when they realize that they feel crazy because they're actually a little crazy.

And boy, does it help me make sense of things.  I can understand now, why certain sounds make me rage even though I rationally know they're harmless and not even that irritating.  I can understand now why I would sabotage my nascent musical career (and writing career, it seems!)   And now that I can understand it, I am more equipped to know when and how to ignore the little voice in my head telling me that everything is going to go wrong, and that I ought not bother.

My head was such a tumultuous place for such a long time that my body had a stillness to it.  People though I was calm.  They thought I was relaxing to be around.  Mostly, it was just that so much was going on inside that I couldn't spare the energy for normal motor functions.  I am a champion waiter-for-things.  I tend to think before I talk.  I watch and I listen.  It hasn't been all bad.

In fact, quite a lot of my life has been good.  While I've experienced abuses, traumas, set-backs, bullying, and other horrible things, it hasn't been so unrelenting that I haven't been able to recover.  I sometimes feel like I have so many interests and so much curiosity because a lot of zigs and zags happened in my life to help me cope with whatever was going on. 

Anywho, this is the latest thing.  It's a blog about not knowing why I'm blogging.  A few people who mean well have been asking me to try to boot one up, thinking it will lead me to being published or some undefined "good" they haven't really been able to put into words.  I anticipate that sometimes this will be writing, sometimes this will be bitching, sometimes this will be psuedo-philosophical bullshit, and therefore I anticipate that this is going to be a pretty unremarkable place. 

Marketing has never been my strong suit.